The Half-Guarded Truth LIVE (after the fact)
By: Mike Coughlin
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FEDOR V HENDO
(Notes: So, I wrote all this in the arena and had issues with uploading it and all at the time, then it was late and I was tired and since Dave already did the official results, you all know what happened. But, I'm super duper awesome so I'm putting this stuff up now.)
Howdy all. Mike Coughlin here doing my own show notes. Dave, obv, will do real
PBP but I'm gonna use this here iPad to do my own notes and such. Why? Because
you've gotta justify your existence in life. And: I'm bored.
More to come...
Haha. Can't update the site with this thing. I'll post all this later then. You
know, after everyone knows what's happened already.
FIGHT ONE
Two fat guys are gonna start this thing for us. Don't pretend you care who they
are. Do pretend they hate each other and want to lunch each other. That was
supposed to be punch but lunch is funnier with the prior fat guy comment.
Gabriel Jones is the local fat guy.
Bryan Humes is also local (and fat).
Fat guy one shot and was stuffed by Fat guy two. Side control. Fat one to half
guard. This is blah. Fat on fat lay and pray. Wait. An attempt at a fat knee
bar. No. Fat one up and runs through with a takedown. Fat two tried a deep half
guard and got punched a bunch. Oh. A lot one. Ten seconds to go. He'll survive.
I got fat one so far.
Round two
Both are tired. Two tried a spinning back kick.
Technical difficulties. Plus. The fat jokes aren't funny.
Gabriel Jones wins by brabo choke in R3. Didn't miss much here.
FIGHT TWO
LUMBUMBA SAYERS V DEREK BRUNSON
Both guys are ... athletic. Brunson has Greg Jackson in his corner. I predict
he has a strategy of some sort. Or at least people will think he does.
Brunson with a HUGE GERMAN suplex. he's getting lit up on his feet but can
wrestle his way out of danger. He'd landing good GNP though. Sayers stands and
breaks apart. This had become smashing. Crazy head kicks and then Brunson RUNS
AND MISSES A PUNCH AND FLIES FACE FIRST INTO THE CAGE! But he recovers, lands
more, GNP. It's over.
BRUNSON WINS R1 REF STOPPAGE.
FIGHT THREE
ALEXIS DAVIS V JULIE KEDZIE
Someone write about how women are just as good as men at fighting and how we
should all embrace it despite the economics of it meaning it's pointless.
Then. Someone make a MAKE ME BREAKFAST AND GIVE ME CHILDREN joke that isn't
funny.
I hope this is at least a good fight.
Davis out to BLACK BETTY. WINNER!!!!! (Charlie Sheen reference in July. Ugh.)
oh. She's kinda cute too. Kedzie out to Johnny Cash. These women would murder me.
FFS...
R1
Good exchange of punches. Clinching now. Separation. Kedzie circling on the
outside and throwing isolated kicks. Davis looks like she wants to square up and
throw bombs. Not a ton to the round but the crowd is patient.
R2
More in the clinch. Kedzie continues to circle. Davis with a nice hip throw. But
they scramble to their feet. Matt Hughes is in Davis's corner. Attempted throe
by Davis. She jumps and takes the back while standing. WILL KEDZIE DIE?!?!? ....
Nope. Not even close.
R3
Clinch!!! Shock. Crowd has finally started booing. BOOOOOOOOOO! for the record,
Greg Jackson is in Kedzie's corner. There appears to be a strategy, a he will
sometimes throw his hands up in exasperation. Maybe Kedzie doesn't remember
it... Fight is kind of suck.
I pick Davis based on "kinda paid attention and she did more memorable stuffs."
Official winner: ALEXIS DAVIS by judges decision 29-28, 30-27, 30-27. called it.
Oh. Good. a needless delay.
FIGHT FOUR
TYLER STINSON V EDUARDO PAMPLONA
R1
Stinson came out and absolutely killed him dead. Just lined him up at the end of
his punches and KOd Pamplona in 15 seconds. Crowd loved this.
TYLER STINSON WINS BY MURDER KO!!!
FIGHT FIVE
BOBBY GREEN V GESIUS CAVALCANTE
R1
JZ looking for left hook a lot. Landing good leg kicks too. With 30 to go, JZ
lands a grazing head kick. Green survives. Solid round.
R2
Green w TD. Back up. Nothing through two minutes. JZ still thinks that left hook
is gonna land. JZ w TD. Yay. No action. Awesome. Oh. Mount. Punching. Take the
back. Choke..... SAVED BY THE BELL! JZ may have held that on a bit longer after
the bell...
R3
clinching. Boring. Blah. Hate you both now. I'm hungry. Round ends with JZ
failing with a guillotine choke. R3 sucked but the first two were ok.
I predict JZ!!!
Official winner: JZ by split decision 29-28, 28-29, 29-28. Called that one too.
Bitch.
MAIN SHOW
FIGHT SIX
TAREC SAFFIEDINE V SCOTT SMITH
R1
Tarec landing early. Smith loading. You all saw this on tv. I will say that
smith looks slow and I fear for his health.
R2
Tarec is battering Smith. Smith tried the one punch KO and failed. This is
target practice for Tarec. Brutal head kick. Do. Not. Book. Smith. Unreal how
Smith takes a beating. Ugly really.
R3
Smith tried but did not land the one big shot. Instead, he got brain damage.
Official winner: TAREC SAFFIEDINE. By decision. 30-26, 30-27, 30-27
FIGHT SEVEN
TYRON WOODLEY V PAUL DALEY
T. Wood. What a terrible nickname. On the other hand:: Semtex is awesome. Daley,
though, is still a turd. I'll bet he bitches about wrestling after being
wrestled to death. WELCOME TO 'MERICA!!!!
R1
Clinch. Wait for it...Daley knees him in the balls. I don't give him the benefit
of the doubt. Woodley keeping his right glued to his head. Clinch. Wait....damn
it big John. Ok. clinch... Damn. Daley escapes. Cinch... Dammit. Take. Him down.
Sigh. Crap round.
R2
Woodley won't commit on his takedowns. Can't half ass these things. Clinch...
TAKEDOWN. WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!! wall walk. smother. Sleep. Zzzzz. This fight. Let
me tell you about this fight. It'd terrible.
R3
WRESTLING!!!!!!! I'll bet nothing happens... I'm right. People are booing. Daley
tries to stand. Woodley in on a single. Uh oh. Woodley missed s shot. Daley
spinning around. Punching. Daley is now besting ass. Ummm. Daley with an oma
plata. That's a surprise. But. He lost position and Woodley ends the round on
top.
I say Woodley 29-28
Official result: WOODLEY. By decision. 29-28 across the board. I'm good at
this.
FIGHT EIGHT
TIM KENNEDY V ROBBIE LAWLER
R1
Feeling out. LAWLER w s good sprawl. Robbie moving in and out. Sprawling like
hell. Kennedy gets him down finally. Back up. No damage taken by Robbie. Down
again. Tim on too. Mount. Up again!
R2
Fighting like he'll for a TD. got it. Half guard. Tim on too. Tom bleeding bad.
Got caught coming in on the TD. In guard. Good pounding. LAWLER lands s good
shot from the bottom. Tim's wining the round though.
R3
Nothing. Blah. Lawler looks hurt. Tim with TD. Punched. Blah. End
I say Kennedy
Official result: TIM KENNEDY By decision. 30-27. I'm on a roll.
Don't interview him. Shut up. I hate you, Gus. The Brian Stann of Strikeforce.
FIGHT NINE
WOMEN'S BANTAMWEIGHT TITLE
MARLOS COENEN V MEISHA TATE
R1
Was boring. Coenen tried a choke. That's about it.
R2
Coenen takes the back. Nice job of not punching. It's s fight. You can HIT HER
HARD!!! fail on the choke attempt. PUNCHES!!! Crap.
R3
Takedown by Tate. I'll bet nothing happens now... YUP!!!! This is a terrible
show. Hate. Anger. BYE BYE WOMEN'S MMA!!!!!!
R4
We need ring dudes for women fights. Tate TD. TATE WITH THE ARM TRIANGLE.
TAP!!!! new champ. People are legit going crazy. Wow.
Official winner: MEISHA TATE BY SUBMISSION
MAIN EVENT (better be good)
FEDOR V HENDERSON
R1
They slug it out, Henderson is down, Fedor is down, it's over. Holy shit. Wow. That was worth it all.
Mike Coughlin will do proper work for the UFC in Milwaukee. That is all. LOVE YOU GUYS!
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