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Joey Ryan's Penis Party results: A night of comedy and action

Joey Ryan has risen to fame thanks to his mastery of the dark penile arts, but now, he has to put up or shut up with an event bearing his name. Much like how Joey Janela's Spring Break showed that there is a market for fun mixed with crazy deathmatches, the Penis Party features a mix of comedy and great workers to hopefully guarantee an enjoyable night of action.

This show was late Friday night from the New York Downtown Hilton and is available on Fite.tv.


The King of Dong Style came out to start the show with Don Callis and Excalibur on commentary with a phalanx of phalluses joining him. Excalibur summed Joey up perfectly by saying that he's great when he wants to be. Joey asked that the fans point to his penis as if it's the WrestleMania logo and they do. 

Black Taurus, Puma King and Ultimo Dragon (w/Sonny Onoo) defeated Mr. Iguana, Green Ant and Shark Boy 

Iguana sent Taurus outside off a shining enzuiguri, but ate a running rana from Green Ant. Shark Boy hit an atomic drop on Green Ant and bit his butt. Puma King held onto the ropes and attacked him from there. Puma countered the ass bite with a knee to the face. Taurus took a nasty spill to the floor before eating a dive from Puma King. Dragon locked on a La Majistral cradle on Shark Boy to end it. 

DJZ and Shigehiro Irie defeated Arez and Bestia

Arez and DJZ started things off quickly with Z landing a step-up rana which turned into a cradle attempt. Ire and Bestia came in and exchanged chops before Bestia and Arez landed chops on the big man for a two count. They teased a chop to Z and poked him in the eye instead before landing a double flapjack and kneeling superkick.

Irie hit a big pounce and a black hole slam before landing a cannonball. Arez hit a crazy twirling northern lights suplex on Irie for two. Z landed a corkscrew facebuster on Arez for two. Irie landed a package piledriver and acted as a catcher for a Spanish fly off the apron by Arez to Z. Irie hit a spike piledriver on Arez to Bestia to win it for his team.

Then, Tracy Smothers came down with a walking stick and danced.

Tracy Smothers defeated Su Yung

Su got a "You killed Allie" chant while Smothers insulted the fans. He demanded they don't say "Tracy sucks" or he'll commence to beat them all up. He then cut a promo on how Bin Laden should have taken the bridges out to doom them all. Su left and he then cut a promo on her which led to a fan cutting a promo on him. Su emerged and brought out a giant inflatable penis, seen above.

Tracy cut a promo on the guys in the first two matches for doing all his moves, so now he's just gotta fight. Su blew mist on the penis and Tracy asked for silence while he took his garments off. He unveils the confederate flag singlet and then after 15 centuries, the match begins.

Excalibur said this had a 20 minute time limit while Callis was hoping for an hour broadway. He called this "interesting". Tracy got some holds and some gut punches before inciting the crowd more. Su superkicked and pump kicked him. Tracy grabbed a mic and tested it while Excalibur begged for death.

Tracy cuts another promo on the fans again and wanted a scientific match to bore them to death. He made this match almost worth it by saying "There's Andre!" and clubbing Su. He landed a series of chops, but then Su thankfully recovered and went for the glove, but the ref got smacked. Tracy hit her with a kendo stick and won.

This was certainly memorable and fittingly, he left to a chorus of middle fingers while Excalibur begged for a beer. Callis talked about how even Rosemary is stunned by what happened.

Demon Bunny (Allie and Rosemary) defeated Thunder Rosa and Holidead

Allie elbowed Holidead who responded by grabbing the tights and landing some slow motion knees and elbows. Thunder Rosa came in with Rosemary and cradled her for two. Everyone pushed each other and the faces ate a pair of low blows and responded in kind. Holidead landed a series of low kicks and elbows to Allie. She was locked in the rocking horse and kicked her before doing a forced stretch, headbutting her ass.

Rosemary thankfully came in and got two off a slingblade. Callis expressed amazement at seeing a move that doesn't involve the crotch. Well, he's not wrong.

Rosemary clubbed away, but missed a charge as Rosa came in. Allie came in and hit a big WE ARE ALLIE lariat. A hanging choke by Rosemary lead to a spear for two. Allie came in and got choked before the heels did double sorta stinkfaces mid-ring and then got double schoolgirled with the trunks to end it.

This may have actually been worse than the Smothers-Yung debacle, just in a different way.

Timothy Thatcher defeated David Arquette (w/DDP) by submission

Arquette's Scream-centric gear was pretty great. Thatcher worked a bunch of holds before Arquette got the ropes and went up top. He landed a double axehandle and took a bump before Thatcher grounded him and elbowed him for two. Thatcher hit a Karelin lift for two. Thatcher grounded and pounded him with palm strikes and went for an armbar, but Arquette avoided it. But, Thatcher got a full Boston crab for the submission win.

Bill Carr defeated Detective Dan Barry in a deathmatch

Dan slugged away and hit a pump kick and a dropkick. Dan hit a tope and Carr kinda slammed him down from that. Dan threw a tissue at him, so Carr threw a streamer at him. More streamer tossing had Callis saying it's a death match because it makes the viewers want to die. Carr grabbed a barbed wire bat, but ate it to the gut.

Carr stapled a $20 to Barry and then stapled his crotch. A door got put in the corner as Exalibur said those are actually easier to find in Jersey than tables for some reason. Barry then hit a death valley driver through the door. 

Carr skewered him in the head so Barry returned the favor. They did a ram headbutt spot and the announcers talked about how now Jim Cornette really hates Dan Barry. Barry got two off a frog splash. Carr set up a door with a mouse trap bridge, but his DVD attempt got countered into a powerbomb on the door...that got 1! Carr hit a Canadian Destroyer on the door to pick up the win.

Yoshihiko the blow up doll won the DDT Heavymetalweight Title Battle Royal

Danshoku Dino started things off with a variety of crotch-related attacks before Takagi came out and got dropkicked to the floor. A Japanese girl named Yu came out and landed forearms to Mao, who just took her out. Don advised that anyone watching not try anything in this match or show.

Makoto Oshi was next. Dino went for a kiss, but missed and kissed Mao and went from some heavy groin area petting. Yu got spit at and fired up and Oshi busted his hand with a punch to the head. Yu took him out with a kokeshi to the groin.

Antonio Honda was next with the most insane singlet ever. Honda sold blowing his knee out right away and that now, he's retiring...but first, he must tell us a fairy tale that will change the world. He demanded that everyone be still for story time, seen below. He and his finger puppet talked about going to Broadway and then he smacked around an imaginary penis and delivered the evil penis from heaven eyepoke. Honda ate a stunner and is gone. The boss hit a double AA on the young boys, because of course he does. Dino and Oshi teamed up for a wheelbarrow-assist stinkface in the corner. 

Oshi got sent into Dino's ass accidentally before the owner did too and went down to a Michinoku driver. Oshi and Dino had a double-butt butt off in the corner. Poor Yu got sandwiched between all four buttocks and was thrown out. Oshi landed a finger shove before Dino used the power of his mighty ass to do damage, but Mao landed a superkick and beat him with a 450 splash.

Oshi rolled him up and seemingly won, but didn't. A blow up doll named Yoshihiko comes out to Undertaker's theme. A crossbody got two before a press slam into a piledriver got two for Oshi. Yoshihiko the blow up doll got an elevated half crab to win it.

Mike Babchik, Colt Cabana and Tommy Dreamer defeated The Best Friends (Chucky and Trent?) and Matt Striker

Jerry Lynn was referee. We've got a Dreamer match and it involves a radio show host, so this should indeed be a thing. Colt elbowed Chucky before Trent muscled him down. Dreamer armdragged Striker before Colt landed an elbow. Trent hit a Lynn-esque legdrop to Colt and went for Lynn's own cradle piledriver. Jerry, as the ref, bumped Trent for that one and allowed a hot tag for the faces.

Colt and Tommy landed stereo bionic elbows to the Best Friends. Striker chopped Babchik who responded with a low blow. Dreamer's DDT hit and Babchik pinned Striker for the win.

We got a closeup of Babchik and his soiled singlet which was just lovely. The Best Friends hugged Jerry and Don buried Striker. He said they should have had penis-related nicknames tonight with Excalibur being Sexcalibur.

Johnny Penis (aka Johnny Impact) and Taya Valkyrie defeated Lucha Bros

Taya kneed Penta to start and hit a swinging DDT. She went for a dive, but Fenix kicked her. Fenix hit a run-up rana that sent Johnny to the floor. Penta came in and slingbladed Taya followed by a corner backstabber. They set up the assisted cradle piledriver, but Taya prevented it. Johnny went for the countdown elbow, but Fenix prevented it. End of the World hits alongside a spear from Taya to beat the Lucha Bros.

Val Venis came out in shorts and a shirt. He looks 50 pounds lighter with no muscle mass. Priscilla Kelly brought out a trail of tampons to the ring akin to the phalanx of penises earlier.

Session Moth Martina, Scarlett Bordeaux and Priscilla Kelly defeated Sexy Eddie, Joey Ryan and Val Venis 

Joey and PK started before she tagged out to Scarlett, who grabbed his chest hair and bieled him. Martina tagged in and she wanted the D, but Joey had to play defense. Martina hurt her knee on a Manhattan drop before Sexy Eddie thrusted away on a leg lock. Matina blocked a sunset flip with a Bastion Booger drop for 2. Eddie got stuck in the clam trap and we get a finger snap. Martina landed a bronco buster, but missed a second one. Eddie used the magnetism of his penis and all of the women and the ref get shoved off of his penis, thankfully before they could pull the front of his trunks down.

Scarlett attacked with her ass before the others wanted it, so she sent her partnres in. Venis put the towel on and cut his pre-match promo mid-match, but instead swivels his hips to a "you still got it" chant. Val finally cut the promo which put Martina and Scarlett in convusions. Martina then dragged him to the back.

Priscilla got an airplane spin and teased a spew spot and punched him after spitting at him. Eddie got a drop toehold onto Joey while Val got sent into Eddie's ass and then Priscilla went in for a nibble too. Martina did as well and then Scarlett ran in. Joey lifted everyone up for for a ring-filled dick flip. Eddie got a mouthful of excitement and then Martina and Priscilla landed disgusting claws before chopping Joey and waxing his chest.

The ladies headed to the locker room and came out as tampons. Martina dove with a tope while Scarlett hit a crossbody and Priscilla hit a flip dive. Priscilla then put an end to Joey with a super Regal cutter.

Callis summed the night up nicely: "Well, that was something!". Joey said he can't win on his own show and apologizes for the show, thanking the ladies for doing great.