The Big Takeaway: Seth Rollins and Natalya won their respective #1 Contender's Matches to get SummerSlam title matches against Brock Lesnar and Becky Lynch respectively. Also Bray Wyatt finally returned to feud with Finn Balor again, R-Truth won the 24/7 Title again and Dolph Ziggler & The Miz are feuding again.
The show started with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman coming out. Brock began carrying the title like a boombox like how he carried the Money in The Bank briefcase.
After Brock and Heyman got in the ring, we went to a video package recapping the Extreme Rules main event. Heyman said he's been waiting several months to introduce Brock as the reigning, undisputed Universal Champion. Heyman said it amazes him that when you tell people the truth, they prefer that they tell you a lie. He said they told you so. He came out on Raw and on the ppv and said Brock was going to cash in and then he did. He told the audience to boo themselves for not listening. Quite a few people were clapping, but most were booing.
Heyman said he told everyone in WWE that Seth Rollins would not be defending the title at SummerSlam, Brock would. Heyman said he has all the stroke around here now and he has determined how we're going to decide who Brock conquers at SummerSlam. He said Brock is not the easiest conqueror to make happy. Just ask UFC and Vince about that. Tonight, we're going to have a Top 10 Cross Brand All Star Battle Royal and the winner gets to be beaten, victimized and conquered by Brock Lesnar.
Heyman introduced all 10 on a graphic. The 10 in the battle royal are Seth Rollins, Randy Orton, Big E, Cesaro, Braun Strowman, Rey Mysterio, Baron Corbin, Sami Zayn, Bobby Lashley and Roman Reigns. Corbin and Lashley got negative reactions, Zayn got an indifferent reaction, everyone else, including Roman, got degrees of positive reactions.
Heyman told Roman to check with Seth about how much he really wants to win. Last night Brock made Seth a gelding instead of a stud. Heyman said a gelding was an emasculated horse. When you face Brock you risk your health, manhood and healthcare. His promise, guarantee, threat and spoiler was if any one of the fans had the chance to get in the ring with Brock, they'd be risking their health, welfare and manhood because in this universe they are all Brock's bitches.
Ricochet came to the ring for his match, walking by Brock, who let him go by. They plugged the Fatal 4-Way women's match and Finn Balor vs Samoa Joe for later tonight.
Ricochet & The Uso's defeated Robert Roode & The Revival in a Best 2-out-of-3 Falls Match, 2 falls to 1
The first fall saw Ricochet pin Dawson in about 30 seconds with the Codebreaker, which is called The Recoil, and the standing Shooting Star Press. Roode has grown in the rest of his beard, so it's not just a mustache. The second fall saw the heels get the heat briefly on Jey, Jimmy got the hot tag, but got pinned by Dawson in about 3 minutes after a flapjack.
We went to commercial with the third fall happening after the break.
Jimmy was just getting to his feet after the commercial break and was reaching for the tag in the wrong corner. That was one heck of a flapjack. Jimmy and The Revival did a really good job of fighting back and forth as Jimmy tried to get the tag. He finally did and we broke down into a 6-way. Ricochet blocked the Glorious DDT, hit The Recoil and a 630 on Roode for the win. A grand total of maybe 6 minutes.
AJ Styles and The Club walked to the ring after the match, so Ricochet did a Suicide Dive to AJ. Gallows and Anderson beat him down, so The Uso's ran out for help, so The Revival got involved. Roode got back involved, necking Jey on the top rope. The Revival gave Jey a Shatter Machine, so Ricochet gave a flying body press to those three, but AJ came outta nowhere with a Phenomenal Forearm. Gallows & Anderson hit Ricochet with a Magic Killer and The Club was the trio left standing.
Viking Raiders, who “love to plunder and take out their opponents” according to Cole, were shown breathing heavily backstage.
Viking Raiders defeated Vinny Grunner & Jackson James
Graves called the Raiders “literally marauders”. In a pre-match promo they said they claim the brutality of their fathers as a birthright. Jackson James was Garett Bischoff's name as a referee in TNA. This wasn't Garett. Ivar had the match won, but he picked his opponent up. They finally pinned one of them with The Viking Experience. I had money on James and Grunner myself.
Cole plugged Extreme Rules being the number 1 trend on Twitter last night and credited it the Roman/Undertaker-Shane/Drew match. We then got a video package for that match.
Earlier today Drew McIntyre was walking around and told off the group of babyfaces with Cedric Alexander, Finn Balor, No Way Jose and the Street Profits standing around. Not sure why Drew is so mad since he beat Cedric in that match. He said it was illegal to dismember Cedric, but will humble him and eviscerate him. Who talks like this?
Anyway Cedric said tonight the joke would be on Drew.
Jose was wearing a "Vote for Jose" shirt. Napoleon Dynamite came out 15 years ago.
Cedric Alexander pinned Drew McIntyre
They said Drew isn't happy that they had a Roman Reigns-themed WWE Shop commercial. I would be too since they only plugged Roman's shirts.
Drew is also really angry that he didn't realize he beat Cedric in the match last week, so I guess he wants to knowingly beat Cedric this week. Cedric flew so far with a tope that if Drew was 6'1 he would have missed him entirely, but instead he grazed Drew's shoulder. Drew went up top for a WhatAManeuver, but got dropkicked on the way down. Drew headbutted Cedric when he tried a back handspring elbow and went for the Reverse Alabama Slam, but Cedric rolled through for the win.
I wonder if Drew is more or less angry that he knows who beat him this week?
Finn Balor talked to someone over the top of the camera about how he doesn't dwell on the past. He wants his title back, but tonight Samoa Joe stands in his way and doesn't care how he does it, but he's going to keep moving forward.
Samoa Joe's face suddenly appeared and said he's going to be waiting in the ring to hand Finn another loss.
Samoa Joe pinned Finn Balor
Joe came out, we went to commercial, then had our first hour recap video, which I know a lot of people just love when they keep re-airing things over and over again on the same show.
Before Balor came out we got an interview with Roman Reigns. He doesn't care what anyone says, this is his week, from the ESPY's, to the Hobbs & Shaw premiere to Extreme Rules to tonight.
Back to Joe. He had enough time to do his pre-match stretches before Balor came out.
Good news, Balor didn't accidentally bust Joe wide open early in the match. Balor took 90% of the match and Joe pinned him with a crucifix in 2 minutes. Joe wasn't happy just winning, so he attacked Balor after the match. Balor rolled out of the Coquina Clutch and hit all his moves, including the Coup-de-Grace to send Joe packing.
What an odd segment.
The oddness of the segment didn't end there. Balor's music slowly ended, the lights slowly went out and Bray Wyatt, looking like a circus freak, laid out Balor with a Sister Abigail.
What an odd segment.
Drake Maverick and his wife were checking into a hotel. Drake registered them as “Mr and Mrs 24/7 Champion”, which was actually funny. They are finally going to consummate their marriage. He dropped a ton of money for this hotel room, which the concierge pocketed. Well he's losing his job tomorrow. R-Truth showed up and asked if Hornswoggle had a reservation. Truth bribed him with a dollar and we don't know what happened as we were suddenly whisked away to the arena where the Street Profits were watching.
They mocked Drake Maverick for apparently being a virgin and Angelo Dawkins may or may have implied that Drake must have a big dong because he's so short. They made predictions for the women's match. Angelo may have a crush on Nikki Cross. Angelo picked Big E to win the battle royal and Montez Ford picked Seth Rollins.
Mike Kanellis vs Zack Ryder
Zack Ryder is on Raw. Mike Kanellis was stretching backstage and Maria told him she's taking this match. Even pregnant she has a better chance of winning than a loser like Mike.
Maria Kanellis vs Zack Ryder
Mike and the referee wouldn't let her, so Mike insisted he'd do it.
Zack Ryder pinned Mike Kanellis in 5 seconds
Zack won with a Rough Ryder in 5 seconds. Maria said he should have let her wrestle. She said her unborn child had a better chance in the match than him. I wonder if Mike is thrilled about having tv time.
Tomorrow night on SmackDown, Shane McMahon will be holding a SmackDown Town Hall to let everyone get everything off their chest.
AJ Styles, Gallows & Anderson defeated Kalisto, Lince Dorado & Gran Metalik
The crowd is completely silent. They wooed twice when Metalik did chops, but even that was half-hearted, They woke up when Ricochet suddenly appeared and attacked AJ. Kalisto and Lince Dorado stopped Gallows and Anderson. We went to commercial with a vow to restart the match after commercial as security dragged Ricochet away. They did wrestle during the commercial break, as we came back with AJ beating up Lince Dorado. Kalisto got the hot tag and woke the crowd up slightly. Metalik and Dorado both did a Suicide Dive to Gallows and Kalisto did a dive on Anderson. Back in the ring Anderson caught him on another dive, hit a Spinebuster and a Boot of Doom before AJ submitted Kalisto with a Calf Crusher.
Styles held it on for several seconds after the bell. The biggest reaction of the match was AJ glaring at the camera, which somehow did the trick.
We got the same main event recap from earlier. This led to a Seth Rollins interview. Seth said he's spent and hurt, but what hurts him the most is he's not champion. He has to watch Brock walk around with a title he doesn't deserve. He said Becky Lynch is one of the toughest human beings alive and will be back. He doesn't know if Becky will be here tonight. He says he will fight and beat anyone until he fights Brock Lesnar and beats Brock Lesnar.
Earlier tonight, Finn Balor was celebrating losing his match when he was beaten up by Bray Wyatt.
They plugged the MSG on sale date for the Raw and SmackDown being taped there in September. While we've had 4 commercials already, none of the announcers have said one word about the Raw Reunion next week.
Natalya defeated Alexa Bliss, Naomi and Carmella in a Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match
Becky Lynch came out. Seth Rollins literally just said he didn't know if she'd be here. They really should have better communication in their relationship. At this point we went to a commercial, with the 5th commercial for Raw Reunion.
I started my F4W career reviewing Naomi matches and now Naomi is considered a “locker room veteran”. Carmella kept trying to pin Naomi and Nattie. Like repeatedly. After about 6 near falls she screamed in frustration. Mella gave Naomi the Trish Stratus hurricarana, but no one cared. The announcers kept mentioned Nattie and Naomi wrestling at SummerSlam 2 years ago, but never mentioned Carmella wrestling Becky last year.
Well there's a reason for that since Carmella hit a bunch of superkicks and then was rolled up, pinned and eliminated by Alexa.
Nattie got knocked to the outside, which gave Alexa and Naomi to wrestle back and forth for several minutes and we went to commercial. So if we're now allowed to wrestle in commercial breaks, why are we still having Best Of 3 Falls Matches with falls ending after 30 seconds?
During the commercial they said this Wednesday Adam Cole would defend the NXT Title for the first time. I could swear I just watched an EVOLVE show on the WWE Network where Cole defended the title. Naomi hit a Blockbuster off the ring steps on the outside to Nattie. One of the announcers said Naomi was in “DAZN”. I wonder if she's getting a couple hundred million dollars for that. Turns out they may have said she was in “the zone”. Anyway Naomi hit a Full Nelson Slam on Alexa and a legdrop for a near fall. I'll bet she's out next. Nattie went for a surfboard on Naomi and first stomped Naomi in the butt. While Naomi was up in the surfboard Alexa snuck in and covered Nattie in the most creative pinfall attempt in a long time. Nattie did kick out. Alexa choked Naomi in the corner. The referee counted, so when Alexa broke she screamed “I KNOW!”, which led to Nikki screaming “SHE KNOWS!”. Nikki was exceptionally giddy at ringside.
The fans, who were quiet the whole time, started chanting “This is awful” and began booing as the match wouldn't end. The crowd exploded as Nattie rolled through a Naomi roll up and pinned her to eliminate her. I should point out this match is not bad, it's just long and boring. If there was ever a case for one segment matches, this is it.
After the commercial break Nikki took the mic and ordered the fans to start cheering for Alexa, then told the fans to shut up and then tried to lead them in a chant of Alexa. This may be a mixed message, but it did get the crowd to wake up. The fans chanted “You suck”. She used “Classic Alexa”, which is the knees and moonsault combo. Not sure when that becomes vintage. The fans were so into this they chanted “Let's go Cena/Cena sucks” and “Goldberg”. Finally Nattie locked on the Sharpshooter for the submission and a pop, since the fans were so happy the match is finally over.
It will now be Becky Lynch vs Natalya at Summerslam for the Raw Women's Title.
Charly ran to the ring to interview her. Nattie was really happy to face her friend for the title, stating this is a dream come true. Becky took the mic, the ginger gingerly walked into the ring and said she doesn't care that she's hurting, but is really happy to be here fighting. Becky said he likes her, but she better step up or Becky will wipe the floor with her. Becky said if there is one thing she has learned it's that she does a lot better in war than love. Nattie said she mustn't be good at love, bitch. Nattie said she'll pull the horseshoe out of Becky's ass and kick the living Hell out of her.
Randy Orton said he will win tonight. It's possible that he has forgotten that Brock elbowed him in the face really hard 3 years ago.
Miz TV with Dolph Ziggler
Dolph had requested to be on Miz TV and wanted to see if the rumors about Miz being a company yes man are true. Dolph said Miz has kissed ass for 13 years and wasn't even booked on the ppv last night. Miz said he'd rather not wrestle than lose in 17 seconds. Dolph went off on him for being a sell out, for wearing a Long Island Is Awesome shirt and claiming to be from Hollywood when he's really from Cleveland. He said Miz only cares about fortune and fame...like his wife. Miz attacked him and punched Dolph in the face, Dolph bailed and the segment ended.
Whole thing went about 3 minutes, which explains why they were both speaking faster than just about anyone you've ever seen.
Next, after commercial, Drake Maverick will be having sex with his wife. Corey Graves admits he subscribes to a lot of porn sites.
Drake Maverick is getting ready for sex and has stripped naked to just the 24/7 Title. The champagne finally arrived, brought in by a WWE referee. When Drake realized this, he began searching everywhere for someone.
R-Truth pinned Drake Maverick to win the 24/7 Title
Truth suddenly appeared and pinned Drake after a crossbody on the bed to win the 24/7 Title. The good news was Drake wasn't naked, the belt was covering his underwear.
We got a video package recapping the ESPY's.
Seth Rollins won the Cross-Branded All-Star Top 10 Battle Royal, last eliminating Randy Orton
At 10:39 Big E came out for the battle royal. Let's see how long it takes for the match to start. Lashley is wearing his DDP rib tape. How is Corbin allowed in this match since last night was his last shot ever at the Universal Title? If he wins doesn't that mean he can't take the title match? Braun got to yell at the camera backstage. Brock came out with his own chair to sit in and watch. The match started at 10:48.
Cesaro ran wild with uppercuts on everyone and, of course, he was eliminated first, via a Lashley press slam. Strowman immediately heaved Lashley out of the ring. Big E and Braun went face to face and Big E hit him with a Big Ending, but then got an RKO and eliminated by Zayn. Zayn celebrated like he won the WrestleMania main event, so he got an RKO and a 619 before Orton tossed him. Roman got an RKO and a 619, but Roman is tougher than Sami, so he didn't get eliminated. Rey got tossed by Corbin. Roman had given Orton a Superman Punch, which sent Orton through the ropes to the floor.
Roman, Strowman and Seth suddenly teamed up on Corbin and tossed Long Island's favorite son. Roman accidentally Speared Seth. Roman and Braun fought near the ropes, so Seth dumped them both. Seth thought he won and Orton ran in and threw him over the top, but Seth landed on the apron. Orton gave Seth “Vintage Orton”, which is the draping DDT, so we have an answer for how long it takes for a move to become vintage at least. Orton slowly set up for another RKO. I mean snail-like speed, so Seth made his comeback, gave Orton a stomp and threw him out for the win.
So Seth will now, once again, challenge Brock Lesnar for the Universal Title.
Paul Heyman got on the mic and announced Seth as the winner, the new #1 Contender and the man who now gets to go to SummerSlam and beaten, victimized and conquered. Seth took the mic and told Paul to shut up. Seth looked right at Brock and said he is a man possessed, who will fight anyone until he beats Brock. He said SummerSlam will look just like WrestleMania when he stomps Brock's head into the mat and stands over him as the Universal Champion.
Brock was leaving until Seth screamed at him to bring it on. Brock stormed the ring, hit the apron with the chair, turned and walked away as the show ends.
In case anyone cares, we ended up with 8 Raw Reunion commercials and zero mentions of the show by the announcers.
Another absurd episode of Raw.