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WWE Main Event results: Two awful scripted promos; Big Cass in singles action

Cass

Big Cass def. Curtis Axel w/ Bo Dallas by pinfall

One half of the Social Outcasts (sans a suspended Rose and an “under the weather” Slater) foist a pre-match promo upon us, in which they extol the virtue of having a best friend and point out that Cass is missing his. Bo enquires “how do you do?” of Enzo, to which the artist formerly known as Colin retorts  - in a flat, nervous monotone - that no-one else would ever want to be friends with Dallas and Axel. Sick burn.

The verbal horror continues as Cass goes off on a weird scripted tangent about how he’s fixin’ to throw the Outcasts onto the Bo Train, which will travel for “miles and miles and miles…” until the conductor eventually realises how “SAWFT” his passengers are. Unspeakably terrible.

The match eventually starts - and not a moment too soon - with a predictable immediate Bo Train, after which Bo lifts Curtis triumphantly onto the apron. Cass responds by creaming Axel in well under three minutes, finishing him with the East River Crossing. The company clearly has no faith in Cass to work a singles match of any notable length yet.

Apollo Crews def. Stardust by pinfall

This is the fourth time Crews has faced Cody during his ignominious stint on the main roster and the wheel-spinning Superstar has won all three. Needless to say, he made it four in a row here, after a dull 12-plus minute borefest.

Our announcers, Tom Phillips and Jerry Lawler, push the fact that Apollo remains unbeaten - helpfully overlooking the fact that he has faced no-one good. The King also points out that he hates Crew’s constant smiling, which is kind of killing good ol’ Smiley Black Man’s “gimmick”, wouldn’t you say?

Stardust’s heat was long and dull here, with no hope spots and a lesser-spotted bow and arrow lock to stand as its only saving grace. The finish saw Crews dodge a disaster kick, run through his usual comeback material and finish Rhodes with the Toss Powerbomb, as they’re now calling it.

- Renee Young is backstage with Zack Ryder, who wants to top Big Cass’ earlier scripted abomination. He nearly succeeds too. Hark at: “Baron Corbin thinks this will be my End of Days; are you serious bro?!” and “there’s much more to the NEW ERA than just being new”. Renee responds thusly:

Renee Young

Baron Corbin def. Zack Ryder by pinfall

We get an insert promo from the reigning ARMBAR champion, reminding us that the Baron Corbin Era and the NEW ERA are not to be confused. He also proclaims that Ryder is on the verge of becoming “just another victim”. And not for nothin’ either.

Another dull 12/13 minute match here, with an eye-wateringly bad heat segment of the punch/kick/resthold variety. Disappointing from Corbin, who was one day removed from a very good outing against Dolph Ziggler on RAW. It’s worth noting that there was a lot of stalling in the opening minutes too, so it’s not as if he was out of his comfort zone time-wise.

Ryder’s comeback saw him hit an Elbro Drop for two, but an attempt at the Broski Boot was countered with a vicious right hand and followed up with the End of Days for the Corbin victory. I guess he was serious, bro.

Final Thoughts

The only way I could possibly give a positive recommendation to this show is by pushing the promos in a so-bad-they’re-good way. The in-ring action ranged from dull to duller. Fingers crossed for next week, I guess!