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WWF Tuesday Night Titans episode 17 review: Paul Vachon's wedding, Dr. D channels Steve Austin, Capt. Lou Albano gets naked

Lou Albano

By Joshua Molina for WrestlingObserver.com

- Run Date: Dec. 17, 1984
- Airtime: 1:27 minutes
- Stars of the show: Dr. D David Schultz, George 'The Animal' Steele, Capt. Lou Albano

Forget Test and Stephanie. Forget Triple H and Stephanie. Forget Macho Man and Liz. Paul Vachon's wedding to Ophelia is the best WWF wedding ever. No, there was no snake attack or Las Vegas hijinks. This was pure comedy, an absolutely hysterical train wreck like only Vince McMahon can produce. Yes, this McMahon at his best, putting on incredibly low-brow programming, yet, in character acting like it's the most despicable thing he has ever seen. McMahon gets the joke and anyone who grew up on pro wrestling and the USA Networks does too. Total WWF perfection.

The show starts out with McMahon and Hayes at ringside calling the wedding as though it were a wrestling match. Howard Finkel is in the ring warning people that they will be thrown out of they shout or are disrespectful to the ceremonies. Since its wrestling, you know exactly what is about to happen. 

"This is scheduled for one fall with an infinite time limit," Finkel screams, in a line McMahon 100 percent wrote.

Several luminaries were invited to the wedding, from President Reagan to Eddie Murphy, but the only ones shown on TV were the typical cast of TNT characters; Capt. Lou Albano, Classy Freddie Blassie and the Wild Samoans. We're treated with some faces we haven't seen recently too: George "The Animal" Steele, Jesse "The Body" Ventura and  Dr. D David Schultz.

David Schultz

Let's get this straight: if Dr. D was around during the fabled Attitude Era, we would have all be wearing big "D" shirts and cheering him as he headlined every WrestleMania. This guy may have been the most naturally charismatic wrestler ever. It's a shame that he was allegedly blackballed out of the sport after smacking John Stossel. Schultz makes CM Punk Stone Cold Steve Austin look like The Miz on the microphone. Schultz would, of course, make an impact later in the show.

Lou Albano & Fabulous Moolah

Finkel introduces the wedding party. The Best Man is Mad Dog Vachon. The Maid of Honor is the Fabulous Moolah. Moolah kisses Albano on her way to the ring and Albano screams that he wants to marry here.

Little Diamond Lil is the flower girl. Ventura, for some reason, snatches the flowers out of her and the two start to tussle over the arrangement. He trashes it and throws it into the ground. She picks it up and throws it at him. Kind of an unnecessary spot, other than trying to make Ventura look like a heel by picking on the midget. Actually, that's long been a theme of WWF programming, so it shouldn't be a surprise.

Albano screams, "She's a snotty little one" about Little Diamond.

The ring bearer is another midget wrestler Sky Low Low. As he's walking to the ring, Blassie whacks him with his cane on the back and Sky Low Low bumps like he is Shawn Michaels trying to get Diesel over.

Next up: Here comes the bride, Ophelia, who is being given away by everyone's favorite developmentally challenged professional wrestler, George "The Animal" Steele.

George Steele

The WWF was so outrageous back then. As terrible of a character as it was, Steele played it perfectly. This dude should have won an Emmy for his portrayal. I don't think it was until the invention of You Tube that I realized that Steele was actually not the character he played on TV. Hearing him talk years later was, oddly disappointing. I thought he was that guy who couldn't talk.

George Steele

Steele walks her to the ring and as he's holding the ropes open for her he goes pervert and lifts up her dress to try to get a glimpse. He reveals part of her leg. Again, absolutely tacky, but acted perfectly.

"This is a most unusual wedding," McMahon says. The wedding ceremony is about to start, but first Maurice Vachon grabs the mic and says that most of the people here were not invited and demands that they leave. Not gonna happen.

Howard Finkel & Paul Vachon

Rev. Meyer Lipschitz (yes, really) starts to read the vows. Ophelia is covered entirely by the veil, at least for now. He asks "who gives this woman to be married?" and the camera cuts to Steele who is struggling to talk, but not quite as bad as Roman Reigns. Steele can't say a word, but instead sticks his tongue out to reveal his green tongue.

George Steele

I wonder how Steele came up with that character? Was it McMahon's idea? No many guys could ever play that role. Norman the Lunatic failed. Eugene got over decently, even headlining a PPV against Triple H, but no one possessed quite the combination of freaky and funny like Steele did.

George Steele 

Steele, in place of his words, lifts up her veil, and the bride is displaying her green tongue. McMahon tries to explain this stunning turn of events by saying, "They must be related."

Lou Albano

Rev. Lipschitz gets to everyone's favorite part of the WWF wedding: asking if anyone objects. Albano rushes the ring and screams that he objects because the bride is a virgin. Isn't she supposed to be in the traditional sense of marriage?

"She's a virgin," Albano said. "I object." Apparently in Albano's world, virgins shouldn't get married? The groom further complicates matters by telling Albano, "She's not a virgin, don't worry about it." Albano feels better now and withdraws his objection and sits down. I don't know if Albano was freestyling it here or if his virgin bit was part of the script, but it was certainly unexpected. McMahon apologizes for this "most embarrassing moment."

The Rev. continues the vows and Steele heads for the turnbuckle to start chewing on it. Steele is going nuts screaming and groaning. The two are about to exchange vows and both finally say "I do," although there was mild hesitation on Ophelia's part. Then Schultz Arrives, Raises Hell and Leaves. Schultz for some odd reason body slams Paul Vachon. Albano pulls the bride out of the ring as McMahon screams "it's complete bedlam!"

George Steele 

We haven't even got to the reception yet.

McMahon and Hayes said everyone is headed to the reception so he takes the time to interview Jesse "The Body" Ventura. McMahon asks Ventura what he thinks of the festivities and Ventura says "there should always be a little violence in love." It's too bad Hulk Hogan was such a childish egomaniac because Ventura should have gotten a run with the title in 1985. He was soo good.

Ventura admits that he wanted to kiss or knock out Vachon's bride because "anyone who would marry Paul Vachon needs to get knocked out."

Jesse Ventura

Ventura said he's itching to get back into the swing of things after a recent injury. He says "Jack McMahon's" taxes are going to go up because he's going to sue President Reagan, the U.S. Government, McMahon and the WWF because he was exposed to Agent Orange while fighting in the Vietnam War. It's great to see that Ventura was a conspiracy theorist even back then. Ventura claimed that the Agent Orange gave him blood clots in his lungs.

The first match of the night features Ventura vs. Ivan Putski. These two feuded over who was stronger and had the better physique. Ventura famously beat the crap out of Putski in an arm wrestling match gone wrong. There are some absolutes in wrestling: Weddings always go bad. Triple H is so insecure he won't put over Sting at Wrestlemania. And arm wrestling matches always go bad.

Ventura should have been feuding with Hogan, not a guy who liked slightly taller than Sky Low Low. But that was the WWF in 1984. No internet. No ECW-inspired fans. No signs in the audience. What McMahon wanted, McMahon got and we had to endure three-and-half years of one of the worst workers in the business standing tall on top, while the best wrestlers feuded over the intercontinental championship.

Jesse Ventura vs. Ivan Putski

Anyway, the match is actually decent with Ventura carrying Putski, although we don't know who won because they cut away before the ending.

McMahon is still killing time to prepare for the reception so we get a tag team match between The Wild Samoans against Mr. Fuji and Tiger Chung Lee. Announcer Gorilla Monsoon calls Lee "Tiger Chunger." All four of these guys are great workers. Roman Reigns' dad wins with a flying headbutt on Lee.

McMahon interviews Afa after the match in the studio who says, "everybody knows who the best tag team in the world is. We just want to make money. We just want to beat people up and go home and be happy with our children."

Then, in what was probably the beginning of Albano's face turn, McMahon interviews Albano in the studio to announce that he has joined with Cyndi Lauper to be official spokespeople against Multiple Sclerosis. Albano says that with his 700 stitches in his forehead and torn cartilage in his knows, he is "ugly personified" so he is the perfect person to take on multiple sclerosis. Odd logic. From there, we go back to the wedding reception where we see the wedding cake. You know what's coming.

McMahon is serving as Master of Ceremonies and ask the bride and groom to come open their gifts. The first gift is from Albano. Inside? A box of rubber bands. Classic. McMahon calls it "a fabulous gift."

Rubber Bands

The next gift is from Ventura. It's box of hair dye and polish for Vachon's head. Blassie gives the bride a pair of eyeglasses so that Ophelia can see that the ring Vachon gave her was cheap and that there wasn't even a diamond in there. Before Blassie sits down he lifts her veil, gives her a kiss and says, "you are all right."

Afa and Sika give the couple a fake fish and Moolah gives the bride some makeup and beauty products. Moolah says she would do whatever she can to help the marriage, "maybe even take the husband."

McMahon tries to open the last gift box and then closes it quickly, saying "we can't show that on television." Then, only because McMahon is a total jerk sometimes, he cuts to match with the groom against The Junkyard Dog. The dog wins with a running powerslam because apparently McMahon wants to give Vachon the Daniel Bryan treatment and bury Vachon at his own wedding. 

It's time for the reception toasts. McMahon asks Steele to make a toast because we all know that Steele is an eloquent talker. He blurts some bizarre word that starts with a P. McMahon then asks Afa, another loquacious talker, to give a toast, who does, but in Samoan.

This about the point in the wedding where Albano decides to turn into "that drunk guy" at the wedding. Albano grabs the mic and makes his own toast: "Open your teeth, open your gums, look out stomach, here it comes." He says this while holding a beer can. Apparently that toast didn't get the reaction he wanted. He goes further: "I got a girl who lives on a hill. She won't but her sister will."

McMahon looks disgusted and moves on to Ventura, whose toast he calls "profound," but  is more double-entendre than anything else: "The scum always rises to the top of the water."

McMahon moves over the Schultz, who looks like he wants to kill McMahon with his deep glare. Schultz is clearly not in the mood. "I don't want to toast nobody," he screams. "You better get the mic out of my face." Schultz said McMahon had been ignoring him. In a completely comedic episode, Schultz still made you feel like he was going to hit someone for real. The man's believability was off the chart.

McMahon smartly walks away and turns his attention to the wedding dance. The Vachons look happy enough dancing until Albano decides to pull midget flower girl Little Diamond Lil to dance with him. The two dance and she looks entirely uncomfortable being pressed against Albano's flesh. Albano then decides to strut through the part exposing his belly and lifting up his shirt to expose his arm pits. At one point he turned around and faked like he was going to pull down his pants, but McMahon screamed loud enough to stop him.

Jesse Ventura 

McMahon calls Albano's body revolting. "That's one of the most grotesque things I have ever seen," McMahon says, reminding us that he only likes perfect bodies (sorry Samoa Joe).

The show wraps up with the cutting of the cake and Schultz decides he just can't take it anymore. Schultz, acting like he should be the president of American Wife Beaters Association, tells Vachon that he's looking out for him because he's a professional wrestler. "Woman, do you know to take care of a man? When your man wants something you get it for him. If he has a flat tire on his truck, who's going to change it. You will change it. If he needs firewood, who's going to get it. You are going to get it."

David Schultz

Schultz continues berating the bride: "If you don't treat this guy like a man I am going to come after you and give you something you don't want." Schultz orders Ophelia to eat some of the cake. Ophelia, you see, doesn't like cake and refused to eat any when Vachon tried to shove some in her mouth. Schultz snaps and picks up the cake and smashes her in the face with it. McMahon screams, "oh my God, NOOOO!"

David Schultz

If you don't understand professional wrestling, this exchange was one of the most offensive things imaginable. If you love professional wrestling, this was Dr. D at his finest, owning the stage, getting himself and the bride over, and turning this joke of a wedding into something more disgusting than Albano's arm pits. This was the ultimate in wrestling theatre.

All it takes is one pie-face for everything to degenerate. From there pie faces with the cake where everywhere. Schultz even nailed McMahon and screamed, "I have been wanting to do this for a long time." Ventura and Hayes were visibly pleased with the Schultz smashing McMahon.

David Schultz

The show ends with people throwing chairs, spraying champagne bottles and everyone except for Schultz covered in crap. Another night of wrestling utopia.