Tables, Ladders, and Chairs… Oh My! Part 7, The Finale
By: PeachMachine (@hendosfoodblog and @parkingcone)
TLC 7: December 13, 2015; Boston, Massachusetts, TD Garden
I figured I’d better review the most recent offering from the WWE TLC PPV series in the same manner in which I did the first six (read-along style) but I wanted to give it a little bit of time to digest before doing it to see the follow up on Raw. It was their best TLC, and the ending actually got decent heat, and played great into the story the next night with Vince McMachon returning and Roman winning the championship.
King, Cole, and JBL on the pipes. King sucks a bag of aardvark turds. He’s so out of place. Why does Vince keep him around? He's not funny and his schtick is tired. I'm not saying they had someone better, but NOW they have someone better. I'm looking forward to Mauro Ranallo big time.
Pre Show Match: Sasha Banks (with Naomi and Tamina) defeated Becky Lynch by submission… but we’ll never see it.
The New Day (Big E. Langston and Kofi Kingston with Xavier Woods) (c) vs. The Lucha Dragons (Kalisto and Sin Cara) vs. The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) for the Tag Team Championship in a triple threat tag team ladder match for the WWE Tag Team Championship
- New Day needs to keep their intro to the same verbiage each time so they can get the crowd chanting along.
- I’m surprised nobody has pointed out the wings on Kofi’s shoes. Awesome!
- Lilian introduced the Lucha Dragons in Spanish, which, as a fluent Spanish speaker was muy bien. That’s Spanish. I’ll translate it for you someday.
- She should have done the Uso’s intro in pigeon. I’m fluent in that as well. Pigeon is like half English, half Island slang, mixed with some Polynesian.
- They should do a ladder match where no ladders are ringside. They could spend 25 minutes running around backstage looking for a scissor lift.
- Two minutes in, the Usos are alone in the ring WITH A LADDER and decide to just throw it. They could have easily won. That’s why multi-team ladder matches are lame.
- I really want to know the story behind Xavier and the trombone. Did he play it in 7th grade band class? Did he find one backstage and practice one day? Is he just wingin’ it?
- King said, “He got chopped like a veg-o-matic.” Why is he still employed? Does anyone under 35 know what an "anything-o-matic" is?
- Big E. pressed the ladder with both Dragons on it. That was cool.
- There was a lot of innovation here with unique ladder spots.
- Salida del sol from the top of the ladder! Luckily it was onto the gimmick ladder that broke at the wooden joint.
- Woods tosses his trombone at Kalisto and Kofi unhooks the clip and grabs the belts for the win.
- I’m still waiting for the tag team ladder match where one guy from each team grabs a belt and they are forced to be the new champions together.
Rusev (with Lana) vs. Ryback
- In the pre match video, they recapped Ryback referencing “Teen Wolf” the TV show. What? There are a bazillion other shows that would have made more sense. First, Ryback is hairless.
- Do you think Ryback sells a ton of beanies and necklaces at house shows? No? Me neither.
- Just fire both these clowns. They HAD potential. Screw it. We want JOE!
- If I was on WWE creative, and a wrestler came up to me and said, “I just got this sweet air brushed singlet that combines the skull of a wolf and a tiger.” I’d immediately bury that geek. Go get in line at Disney world with the other weirdos who wear wolf shirts.
- When Ryback says, “Finish it!” it’s weird. It doesn’t make sense to tell your self audibly to “finish it.” You’d more realistically just think that.
- Technical submission is the official result. That happened two weeks ago in the UFC too. It means when a guy doesn’t submit and the ref stops it anyway.
Ambrose and Reigns are back stage talking about being double champions.
Then they cut to the announcers and do a video recap of Del Rio vs. Swagger. Cole says that Del Rio hit Swagger with a chair because they have a chairs match coming up. My guess is that he got that backwards. Also, Swagger has a bowl cut. Why in the world are we allowing this, not just here, but in all of America? People, we need you to point out the dorks attempting to bring back the bowl cut. It sucked in 1993 and it sucks now. I guess it’s fine on a heel, but don’t let your friends go back to this.
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Jack Swagger in a chairs match for the WWE United States Championship
- Remember a month ago when this title was great?
- Swagger did the “Patriot Lock” through a chair, which is the same as me doing a bear hug to someone through a hula-hoop. Lame.
- This match would have been awesome if not for the dorks involved.
- Has anyone outside of Swagger’s immediate family bought his awful shirt? Probably the same people who bought a Ryback necklace.
- I’ve said it before, but chairs matches suck. Del Rio won after doing the double stomp on Swagger on a pile of chairs. Lame.
- Albert of the River does look amazingly tan.
The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, Braun Strowman) vs. the ECW Originals (Bubba Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Tommy Dreamer, and Rhyno) in an eight-man tag team elimination tables match
- Rhyno joined ECW in 1999, so I guess that’s when ECW started since he’s an “original.”
- I like to think that since they’re the “Wyatt family” that each of the other guys not named Wyatt married one of Bray’s sisters so they’re all brothers-in-law. Backstage they probably gripe about their wives being ball busters. "Bray, can you tell Sheila to relax about the baby's crib? I'll have it put together in time. SHE needs to pick a damn room color."
- Bray was wearing a double horned headpiece, so WWE must think there is money in facial accouterments.
- This is the tenth tables match in WWE pay per view history, which were Cole’s words, so I guess “pay per view” isn’t on the banned term list.
- Tommy Dreamer looks gross. He’s orange, and round, and has a stupid beard.
- Strowman kicked his leg through a table, and that didn’t count as an elimination. Why not?
- I’d rather watch Public Enemy vs. The Nasty Boys on the WWE Network. At least those guys didn’t try to do spots. They just beat the heck out of each other for real and didn’t sell.
- So this happened: Rowan set D-Von on a table and climbed to the top, then Rhyno pushed him off so he didn’t land on D-Von, but as D-Von was rolling out of the way, the table broke. That makes two table breaks that just didn’t count.
- Rowan got eliminated first by the 3D.
- Luke Harper booted Rhyno through the table making it 3 on 3.
- What actual purpose would red white and black camouflage serve? Would you wear it while hunting in a forest fire?
- Wyatt slammed D-Von through a table with a urinage.
- Harper dives on to dreamer who goes through a table. Now it’s 3 on 1.
- Bubba Ray covers a table in lighter fluid, then just gets put through it by a choke slam from Strowman. Big tease, no pay off.
- That match was a chaotic mess in a very mediocre way.
What a treat! Renee tells us that we get to hear from the kick off panel of Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, and Booker T. These bozos have nothing to say.
Then we got a pretty weak Royal Rumble promo. I’m sure those will get better.
Kevin Owens (c) vs. Dean Ambrose for the Intercontinental Championship
- Owens did some nice crowd work making fun of Boston sports fans. To be fair, they ARE the most arrogant sports fans.
- This was a pretty dang good match.
- Ambrose counters the pop up power bomb and rolls through for the pin.
- Ambrose wins!
- Then Ambrose ran around like a maniac celebrating.
- Good match.
Charlotte (c) (with Richard Morgan Fliehr) vs. Paige for the WWE Divas Championship
- This is a confusing storyline. Paige brought up Charlotte’s dead brother, and then she turned baby face. What?
- Flair is at ringside. This match is basically nothing.
- Paige locks on a long sleeper.
- Paige locks on the Figure Four.
- The end was Paige hitting the Ram-Paige but Flair took Charlotte’s foot and put it on the rope. This lead to Charlotte taking off the turn buckle pad, and dropping Paige’s face onto the exposed steal, which led to the pin.
Sheamus (c) vs. Roman Reigns in a tables, ladders, and chairs match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
- The “heat” in this feud is from Sheamus cashing in the MITB contract after Reigns won the title last month at Survivor Series. Oh, and then Reigns retaliated by saying that Sheamus’ testicles were the size of tater tots, in some sort of odd Burger King cross promotion. Zing.
- When Sheamus was introduced, they hit him with a spotlight that completely whited him out. Ha!
- How many refs does it take to hang up a championship belt? Two apparently.
- I wonder if the height of the raised item in ladder matches is a standard?
- Roman tossed Sheamus into a stacked up double table and chairs set up on the side of the ramp.
- Sheamus got cut on his left triceps.
- I can’t believe they allow Reigns’ running jump kick on the apron to be called the Drive By, which implies gang related murder.
- Sheamus hit White Noise off the apron through a table. That should have been the finish.
- The two took a double bump off the apron through the gimmicked ladder which was propped up by the announce table.
- And now we get the agonizing slow ladder climbing which makes ladder matches unbearable.
- Reigns hit the Super Man Punch on Sheamus at the top of the ladder and Sheamus took a table bump.
- Reigns got royally screwed by the League of Nations running in.
- Sheamus won after the League destroyed Reigns. Barrett was conspicuous by his absence. He's apparently injured.
- Reigns then decimated the League, and HHH came out.
- Reigns destroyed HHH as well to get his heat back, or more correctly, just get SOME heat. It worked, as the crowd really got behind Roman.
Overall Thoughts: This was a dang good TLC PPV and possibly the best one yet. The ladder match to start, and the TLC match at the end were very good. Thumbs up for sure. Final rankings of the TLC PPV’s order: 7,4,6,5,3,1,2 - And a we put TLC to rest, I'd like to remind you, "Don't go chasing waterfalls..."