Tables, Ladders, and Chairs… Oh My! Part 3
By: PeachMachine (@hendosfoodblog and @parkingcone)
TLC 3 – December 18, 2011 – Baltimore, Maryland – 1st Mariner Arena
I’m actually looking forward to watching this show this week, as I know it can’t be three stinkers in a row. The hype video to open the show was a really well written WWE version of The Night Before Christmas poem. It’s only a two man announce crew tonight with The King and Cole having to fill the void of Matt Stryker.
Dark Match – Drew McIntyre defeated Alex Riley
Zach Ryder defeated Dolph Ziggler (c) (with Vickie Guerrero) in a singles match for the US Championship
- I’m predicting Zach gets axed in the post Mania clearinghouse this year.
- We are in the middle of the “WWE must talk about twitter all the time” horrible period.
- Michael Cole just made as many social media references as he could.
- Vicki got booted for putting Dolph’s foot on the rope. Why do refs allow anyone at ringside at anytime, ever? What percentage of time does the person at ringside NOT get involved?
- This match is pretty good. A lot of heat actually. Too bad Zach accidentally got popular.
- Ryder wins with the Rough Ryder.
- I feel bad for Cole. No way could he actually be that big of a dork. He must hate himself.
- Zach celebrated with his dad in the crowd.
Backstage, Alicia Fox chatted up Booker T until Cody Rhodes jumped him.
Air Boom (c) (Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne) defeated Primo and Epico (with Rosa Mendes) for the Tag Team Championship
- Primo and Epico wore some sweet serapes to the ring.
- The tag belts are awful. They’re bronze. “I’m the best at tag team wrestling. If you don’t believe me, check out my bronze belt.”
- King claims that Air Boom breaks the laws of Physics. So, either Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston are wizards, or King doesn’t understand Physics.
- Heat on Bourne is just an excuse to focus on Rosa’s, ahem, assets.
- Cole, “Air Boom is trending. People are actually talking about the tag champs.” He really said that.
- Why don’t tag matches ever end during the time of the match where two men are kicking the crap out of one?
- Air Boom wins with Trouble in Paradise
Then there was a skit with Teddy Long as Santa and Hornswaggle as an elf. They do some awful race relation’s humor, and then Swaggy gets a gift from Teddy, which is Rosetta Stone in Ebonics. I wonder if they'll follow up with this angle and bring Hornswaggle back as a jive talking elf.
Randy Orton defeated Wade Barrett in a tables match
- Orton body watch: He’s tanned out of this world, and jacked. Definitely the best shape of his career to this point.
- Your pretty standard table fare with a lot of brawling. A better than average match.
- The finish was Orton catching a diving Barrett in an RKO through a table.
Then we got another Santa skit with the Bella’s arguing over who was the good one. Santa Teddy said they both were bad so Teddy gave them his card with his number. Then Jack Swagger showed up and griped about Mark Henry. Then Sheamus showed up and told us a story about someone getting their head in an arse.
Beth Phoenix (c) defeats Kelly Kelly
- They replay the angle from the Slammy’s with Kelly Kelly winning Diva of the year. Very prestigious.
- Remember when these two quit WWE for no real reason? Do you think they regret not being around for this amazing diva’s revolution?
- Women wrestlers can just go ahead and not make sound when selling. It’s unsettling to hear Kelly Kelly screaming “no” and making horrible death noises while getting beaten up.
- Beth Phoenix wins clean after the Glam Slam.
Alberto Del Rio is seen yelling at Ricardo when the Miz walks up to talk about their alliance. Del Rio admits he was playing the Miz, so Miz has to take a dig at the Baltimore Ravens. That ought to shut up world famous Baltimore Ravens fan Alberto Del Rio. Then Ricardo come back with a pie or something and gets it shoved in his face. They need to teach a WWE rules class at the performance center. I’ll start a tally. WWE Rule 1) Don’t carry a pastry anywhere.
Booker T. vs. Cody Rhodes
- Cody jumps Book before Book even gets to the ring and the doctors determine he is unfit to perform. No match.
HHH defeats Kevin Nash in a sledgehammer ladder match
- Home Depot must have sponsored this match. Actually, Home Depot should sponsor the whole PPV.
- This was the ridiculous feud where Nash murdered HHH, as he laid unconscious strapped to a gurney.
- “The sledgehammer can be used legally to beat your opponent.” Announcer, real quote.
- Nash comes out to the nWo music.
- HHH spends the opening part destroying Nash’s legs, including a figure four around the ladder. I think a higher percentage knee-destroying move on Kevin Nash would be to run an infinite crisscross. It would be funny just to see these two in a race. Quads vs. Knees.
- Nash comes back and does his side slam on a ladder.
- Nobody has gone after the sledgehammer, because in a ladder match, you’ve already been supplied with plenty of alternate types of sledgehammers.
- HHH back drops Nash over the announcers’ table.
- Here comes the table from under the ring. So I guess tables are allowed in a sledgehammer ladder match.
- HHH hits Nash in the head with the hanging sledge, and Nash takes a bump through the table. That’s a decent bump for Nash.
- HHH starts the sledgehammer beating. HHH connects with the pedigree and goes back to the sledge. Nash, in desperation, throws up the click hand sign, and HHH responds with a crotch chop and a final sledge shot. HHH wins.
Strkyer interviewed CM Punk about the beating he took on Raw. Punk’s promo was great. He ran down everyone in the match, and Cole, and John Laurinitis. Then Big Johnny showed up and they talk about the Slammy Punk was supposed to get. Punk get’s in a “future endeavors” line, and then Johnny has to point out that he’s taller than Punk. This company is so petty.
Sheamus defeats Jack Swagger (with Vicki Guerrero)
- Good thing these guys didn’t get along backstage earlier or we would not have this buffer match.
- I guess they’re giving Vicki a second chance to behave herself.
- Boring match. Sheamus wins after the Brogue kick.
Big Show defeats Mark Henry (c) in a Chairs match for the World Heavyweight Championship.
- This was the feud where they did the ring implosion spot.
- Show starts the match by making it rain chairs.
- Henry had his ankle heavily taped.
- Show wins the title after delivering the Knock Out Punch through a chair.
- Then Henry comes back and lays out Big Show with a DDT on the chairs.
- I honestly wrote, “Mark Henry defeats Big Show” before watching the match because I couldn’t remember Show having a title run. Then I remembered why…. Daniel Bryan runs in after the match and cashes in his Money in the Bank contract and pins the Big Show.
- We just saw two title changes.
Josh Matthews interviews Booker T and T says he’s going to fight Cody tonight! Oh thank heavens we get that match tonight!
Cody Rhodes (c) defeats Booker T for the Intercontinental Championship
- This is the storyline where Booker T had been retired for two years. Was anyone dying for Booker T to come out of retirement?
- I’ve never liked Booker T in any of his roles. Ok, King Book was pretty good, but nothing else. Well, I really liked when he and Goldust reviewed movies. But that’s it.
- Cody wins after the Disaster kick, which Cole identified as, “another kick to the head.”
CM Punk defeats Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez), and Miz, in a three way TLC match for the WWE Championship
- Champions usually fare pretty well in three ways. WWE loves declaring the 33% chance of winning, which is absolutely incorrect, unless of course Roxy Roxborough actually says it.
- Punk starts climbing and as he does, Ricardo Rodriguez manages to handcuff Punk to a ladder.
- Punk broke free by breaking the ladder strut, to which he was attached. In hindsight, the handcuffing was ridiculously unnecessary.
- Del Rio delivers an enziguri on Punk and then Punk takes a bump through a table to the floor.
- Why does Ricardo cut his hair so he looks like a vampire?
- Del Rio gets up alone, with enough energy to dilly dally on the floor before easily setting up a ladder. I guess he accidentally swallowed a Qualude somewhere in there, because as he steps on to the ladder, he lost the ability to move his muscles, and could not climb.
- Rodriguez takes a bump off the ladder through a table on the floor.
- Oh wait, now Miz handcuffs Punk to the turnbuckle which is ridiculous, but then Punk actually tries to reach for the belt, as if, maaaaaybe he can win the match from his knees attached to the ring post.
- Super Punk breaks free from the handcuffs a second time, climbs the ladder and dumps Del Rio, catches Miz in the GTS and climbs again to grab the belt, in really good TLC match.
Analysis: This show has been the best TLC to date. The main event was very good. The HHH match was pretty good. The Air Boom match was short but fun, and everything else felt appropriately placed. Even Big Show and Henry had a decent chairs match. We saw Z Ry and D Bry win belts, and we may have seen Booker T’s last match. I’d call that a thumbs up show.