Tables, Ladders, and Chairs… Oh My! Part 5
By: PeachMachine (@hendosfoodblog)
TLC 5: December 15, 2013; Houston, Texas, Toyota Center
WWE Champion, Randy Orton, competes against the World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena, in a TLC match to crown a Champion of Champions.
The show starts with a cold open where HHH and Steph come out to make an announcement and they tell us how important this unification match is to history. Right. Hunter gives us a Lou Thesz vs. Buddy Rogers history lesson. This leads to a nice video package. WWE should just make video packages. Even when the product is terrible (read: now) they can produce the heck out of a package that will get you interested.
Cole, JBL, and King are on the pipes tonight as usual.
Pre Show Match: Fandango (with Summer Rae) defeated Dolph Ziggler in a singles match.
- Remember last year when Dolph was in the main event?
CM Punk vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns in a 3-on-1 handicap match
- I have no memory of how or why this was booked. It seems preposterous.
- Punk is sporting the mutton chop look.
- For a group that touted justice, The Shield sure seems willing to cheat.
- Seth is wearing a vest he must have gotten from John Popper from Blues Traveler, as it appears to be able to hold a dozen harmonicas.
- Reigns dove at Punk and tumbled over the announce desk. He apparently hurt his eye, which is how Punk was able to take advantage. The doctor checked on this, but it’s definitely an angle because every doctor knows that if it’s a matter of life, limb, or eyesight, you go to the ER right away.
- Reigns, suffering from impaired vision, speared Ambrose, and Punk hits the GTS on Ambrose for the pin. The doctor must feel like a real jerk.
- What if Punk wins his first UFC match via head and arm choke, i.e. the Anaconda Vice? That would be sweet. Luckily, I know the counter.
- Ridiculous match concept, but it was good.
AJ Lee (with Tamina) is interviewed and AJ calls the Divas division, Natalya, the Slammy Awards, and the whole WWE a joke. Duh.
AJ Lee (c) (with Tamina) vs. Natalya for the WWE Divas Championship
- This is mid AJ Lee super long title run, so I’m assuming she goes over. Spoiler alert.
- So is the Tamina character out of the closet? I’m predicting that happens eventually.
- Natalya hooks on the Sharpshooter, but AJ counters out.
- AJ hooks up the Black Widow, but Natalya counters out.
- AJ rolls up Natalya from another Sharpshooter attempt, and apparently grabbed the hair for the pin.
- Good match, but nothing special.
We get another excellent video package showing some awesome champions. The problem is that both Cena and Orton have been champions, many times. Nobody is buying the validity of the unification.
Damien Sandow vs. Big E. Langston (c) for the Intercontinental Championship
- Big E is doing the chalk hands gimmick. I’d like to see more stuff with him being really strong. It would be great if he were bench-pressing Xavier in a skit.
- Sandow takes a nice Electric Chair drop by Big E. He should do that on Big Show.
- Big E takes down the straps and hits the Big Ending for the pin.
- A funny spot would be for a heel to take down his straps and then his trunks fall down.
Vince McMahon Jr. walks up to Orton backstage. The sound didn’t work. The only thing of note is that Orton was wearing basketball shorts. So it’s true; he does own leg coverings other than trunks.
Next we hear from the panel of Josh Matthews, Mick Foley, and Booker T, and they discuss what happened earlier in the night with Miz talking trash on Kofi.
Fatal Four Way for the Tag Team Championship: The Real Americans (Cesaro and Swagger with Zeb Colter) vs. Rey Mysterio and Big Show vs. Rybaxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) vs. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (c); elimination rules
- Last team left wins the Jabroni cup.
- Rey was gone for a year prior to this, and I guess “creative” didn’t have enough time to come up with something better for him.
- Gold Dust rolls up Ryback for the first elimination.
- Cesaro hit the Gant Swing.
- Gold Dust hit the Code Red. What?
- Cody hurt his knee, which put him out temporarily.
- Big Show gives Cesaro the KO punch as Cesaro came off the second rope, then pinned him.
- The action really picked up into quite a fun match. Then came a nice finishing sequence where Cody hit the Cross Rhodes on Rey for the pin.
- Then Big Show and Rey display good sportsmanship. Boooooo!
The Jabroni posse gets some airtime as Titus O’Neal and Darren Young break out the Brawling Buddies for an embarrassing segment that ended with Kane walking in and scaring Vicki and Brad Maddox. It was even dumber than it sounds.
Brodus Clay (with the Funkadactyls and Tensai) vs. R Truth (with Xavier Woods) in a Time Fillers match
- This was a nothing match.
- Why don’t they trust Xavier to wrestle?
- Tensai and Clay get into it for some reason. Then Tensai walks out. Then the Dactyls peace out too for no reason. I guess because they were about to be famous and didn’t want to be associated with such a bad idea.
- R Truth hits the standard WWE school-boy distraction finish.
Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
- Kofi kicked the steal post. What about your kick pads bro?
- Have I ever mentioned I hate kickpads? Why would you want to make your kicks less effective? You only wear those when you’re practicing!
- We are really seeing the lack of start power tonight. Nobody is over. The crowd long since gave up.
- The Miz has a sweet butt-cut. This match is worth sitting through just for that. His head looks like a 1-up mushroom.
- Boring chant.
- Kofi wins with the Trouble in Paradise.
Then they showed an AWESOME video package for the Raw 20th anniversary DVD, and in doing so completely exposed how awful the current product is with tons of awesome clips.
Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatts (Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper) in ANOTHER 3-on-1 handicapped match.
- Only one of them is named Wyatt. Rowan and Harper should stand up for themselves.
- Someone should tell Bray that he’s wearing a fedora. What a gimmick. I bet he thought of it too. “Hey creative team, I should do a gimmick wear I sit in a rocking chair instead of wrestling.”
- JBL suggests that Bryan just join them. Would that just end the match? Just pull a total schoolyard job, “Nuh-uh I was on base!” “Don’t beat me up I’m on your team.”
- Bray finally tags in to work on a worn out Bryan.
- Harper’s log roll, or gator roll, move is so dumb. The purpose of that move is solely to pin the man, not make him dizzy. He’s faking a real wrestling hold. I know, but it bothers me.
- Bray offers a handshake and says it will all go away, so I guess that answers my question.
- D Bry had a great comeback, but Bray caught him with the Sister Abigail for the pin, to end a really entertaining match.
Supposedly this is the first time these two titles have been competed for in the same match, but I’m pretty sure I remember that occurring as recently as 2002 and probably more recent than that. Oh well. At least we didn’t have a Chairs match tonight. Then they show another excellent video package, begging you to care about the same guys who have been on top for nearly a decade.
John Cena (c) vs. Randy Orton (c) for the Unified WWE World Heavyweight Championship (but still two belts)
- This is the 15th TLC match and Randy Orton’s first.
- “CUCK FENA” sign. Ha! I popped.
- Early garbage leads to both guys on the floor.
- Orton lays out Cena and goes to set up a ladder.
- Orton body watch: Much improved from last time we saw him which was 2011.
- RKO out of nowhere!
- Cena goes nuts with the steal steps and Orton is busted open.
- A missed punt was countered with an AA through the Spanish announce team. Now Cena climbs and then Orton dumps him but Cena hangs on to the belts!
- Randy handcuffed Cena to the bottom rope, but Cena uncoupled the turnbuckle and made a valiant effort to win, but it was too late. Orton wins after yanking Cena off the ladder.
- Pretty good match!
Then HHH, Steph, and Vince all come down to celebrate.
Thumbs in the Middle. So now my TLC PPV rankings go from best to worst: 4,5,3,1,2.