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Total Divastation: a look at WWE Total Divas season finale part 1

Total Divas season 5 cast

By Kevin LaRose for

Tampa, FL

Nikki and Nattie are going to the doctors to look at Nikki’s back x-rays. Her back doesn’t look good. Nikki does cryotherapy and Nattie watches her, then Nattie does it. There’s a whole in Nattie’s towel that’s right near her nipple. Everyone laughs.

Nashville, TN

At Raw, the Bellas and Fox look on the Internet. They are learning about Paris. Fox tells the Bellas that she is fighting with Rosa. Nikki bails because she sees Cena and Brie is forced to hear about Rosa all by herself.

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Paris, FR

The Divas land in Paris, and Eva is excited for the opportunity to get closer to the other Divas. Everyone is going to the Eiffel Tower except the Bellas, because they are coming back to France in a couple of weeks with their grandma and they are going to go then. Fox decides she’s not going to go because Rosa is going.

They arrive at a bomb ass suite where they will all be staying while in France. The girls start drinking that French wine, and eating hors d'oeuvres. Mandy distributes goody bags. Rosa doesn’t want to stay with Fox. Fox tells everyone that she’s scheduled a high class couture photo shoot for them all on Thursday. Paige feels alienated that no one is sleeping in their suite. Eva and Mandy decide to stay in Paige and Fox’s suite. The other Divas are so happy to not be staying with Paige, Fox, Mandy, and Eva. Fox decides to repair her relationship with Eva. They make up and Fox is happy. Fox tells everyone about Rosa. She is so pissed at Rosa. 

Nikki and Brie go shopping. They buy a bunch of macaroons. Everyone else goes to the Eiffel Tower, except for Fox. She is too busy being mad at Rosa to enjoy the world. The divas talk about how romantic Paris is. Rosa wishes that Bobby was the only man that she ever slept with. Mandy asks Nattie how many penises she’s seen. Everyone is really impressed by the Eiffel Tower, especially Nattie. Paige knows that Fox is going to regret not going to the Eiffel Tower. I once went up the Eifel tower. It was cool.

At the top they had display of a mannequin Mark Twain talking with a mannequin Alec Eiffel. But if I was on a show and I was visiting Paris, the last place I’d go would be the Eiffel Tower. That’s pleb stuff and it would make me look like a total pleb dweeb. If I went to Paris on a show, I’d be more like Anthony Bourdain; I’m gonna show you the gritty, real Paris. The kind of Paris they don’t show you on TV. This is garbage.

At the top, Bobby is waiting for Rosa. He proposes to her while all the Divas watch and cheer. It’s supposed to be romantic and awesome, but it’s totally cliché and boring. How impressive, Bobby. I can’t believe no one has ever thought of proposing marriage anywhere within the vicinity of the Eiffel tower, let alone on top of it. This. Has. Never. Been. Done. Before. I feel lucky and #blessed that TV cameras were there to capture what is sure to be remembered as our generation’s moon landing. 

Now everyone is at a press event, and Rosa shows off her ring. Fox is sulking in the corner, but she feels a little bad that she missed the Eiffel Tower proposal. Everyone gets their picture taken on the roof and some reporters ask them some real softball questions, like “who is the trouble maker?” I guess that’s what passes for real journalism nowadays. Shame on you, French media. They go back to their hotel, and Rosa and Bobby have sex.

Cena has arranged a wine and cheese tasting for the Bellas, but he’s not there. They love all the cheese. Nikki makes a funny joke about Brie eating brie, and then Brie tries to make a joke but she does a horrible job.

Finally, the other Divas go to a fancy restaurant overlooking the city. Paige arranged the whole thing. They are very impressed. They are amazed again when they see the Eiffel Tower. Rosa gives a speech. She does a horrible job. Fox is sulking the whole time. Can’t she just be happy for Rosa?

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In the morning, Brie is wearing an incredible kimono, and she wakes up Nikki. Nikki is pissed because she is so tired from eating so much cheese. Nikki complements Brie’s robe. Fox goes into Eva’s room and laughs at her for making her bed. She starts complaining about Fox. Fox is upset that Rosa is only focused on her baby and her fiancé and hasn’t been meeting Fox’s needs as a friend.

All the girls talk about going to Jim Morrison’s grave, and Eva tells everyone she isn’t going. Eva and the Bellas are going bike riding together. Mandy is so pissed. She feels like Eva is ditching her. 

Eva and the Bellas go to a bakery. Eva feels fortunate to be with such well-traveled friends. Eva tells them that some people are mad that Eva came with them today, but Eva says that Eva needs to do what Eva needs to do.

The other divas go shopping, and Fox pulls Rosa aside. They talk out their issues. They cry. They hug. 

Eva and the Bellas get on bikes. Nikki and Eva are wearing heels. They are very impressed by Paris. Brie is excited that she is exercising, and Nikki is pissed that Brie is so focused on exercising. Nikki starts yelling at Brie. Brie feels bad, and decides to eat a macaroon. 

Eva and the Bellas are at a cute little outdoor café, and they comment on how much they love outdoor cafes. Brie breaks down and orders French fries.

Back in the hotel, the other Divas talk about how they don’t wear underwear. Paige has another surprise for everyone. A beautiful man comes into the hotel, and Paige tells everyone that they are going to paint him. Somehow Paige managed to set up easels for everyone. She set this all up so that Nattie can see another man’s penis. This is not a normal thing. Nattie reacts with mock outrage. Nattie loves the naked man. They all take a picture with the naked man.

In the other suite, Nikki surprises everyone with a beautiful private chef, and he is going to teach them all how to make macaroons. The chef shames them all for not offering him some wine. Nattie stumbles into the room, followed by Rosa.

In the other room, a private chef is cooking everyone dinner. John has arranged another special trip for the Bellas. This time to the restaurant featured in the film Something's Gotta Give. That movie is ok. I actually love it because Keanu plays a really cool doctor. They invite Nattie to the restaurant. Mandy is pissed that Nattie and Eva are going out to dinner and she wasn’t invited. She storms off into her bedroom and cries into her pillow. Paige follows Mandy and asks her what’s wrong. Fox and Rosa come into the room, and everyone hugs and holds Mandy.

That’s it for part 1 of the 2 part season finale.

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